An Hour With: Turning Point: Fall of Liberty

Another WW2 shooter? Oh joy. But wait, this is an alternate history WW2 shooter? Fair enough then! I thought I’d use this as a way to get through my backlog also, and what better way to do that than to play all the damned shooters I’ve bought.

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Ewan attempts to write a reality TV Show

So recently I saw my mam and dad watching Geordie Shore, a show about bumbling thick tosspots from Newcastle going out and getting shit faced to fuck anything that’s three tones of orange away from “Citrus Orange” and then they say “Whey aye man” as all people from Newcastle do. And I thought, if this money-making machine can leach onto any twat with an IQ lower than 45 then I want in on the shit show. I want my piece of the pie and a bit of money on the side. So I went to my local TV broadcasting station, and the conversation went a little bit like this…

Ewan: Hello, I’m Ewan, I called earlier about a new TV Show?

TV Man: Ah yes I remember, the nervous wreck who kept stumbling over his words, yeah, yeah, take a seat. So, what’s the idea for the new show?

Ewan: Well, actually I’ve had a couple of ideas about a number of different things.

TV Man: Excellent, as long as we can slap some gormless bastards into it then we can make enough money to build a rocket made out of cheese on a one way course to Mars.

Ewan: Actually I was thinking it could be a bit more sophisticated than that.

TV Man: Not a chance. That wouldn’t work in a popular environment.

Ewan: But it’s based on the extremely popular game series Fallout and I’ve already planned out the first episode and who would be cast and why, along with creating a rich story that links in with the games.

TV Man: Nah, it’s shite, anything else?

Ewan: Well, I did have this idea to do with sketch shows…

TV Man: I’m listening

Ewan: Well, take the very best sketch shows, so for example Monty Python and Mitchell and Webb, then take the very best sketches from these shows and re-perform them with the same actors and in HD cameras and so on.

TV Man: So it’d basically be a way of revitalising and commemorating the best of British humour?

Ewan: Precisely.

TV Man: Nah, it’s bollocks, I’m running out patience here you stupid cunt, so you better come up with something good.

Ewan: How about a reality TV Show?

TV Man: There’s plenty of those, Big Brother, Geordie Shore, Made in Chelsea, The Only Way is Essex, Blackadder, what makes yours so special?

Ewan: Well a number of things actually.

TV Man: Would you care to name a few of them?

Ewan: For a start, it would be an elimination system similar to that of Big Brother, but instead of being evicted they all have explosive collars on and when evicted they go all Battle Royale and their collars explode, splashing orange everywhere.

TV Man: Christ Ewan, that’s a bit barbaric isn’t it?

Ewan: Nah, they’re all thickos that we can pick up off of any street in Clapham.

TV Man: Alright, fair enough, it’s a good start, but what else have you got?

Ewan: Well, the winner will receive a lifetime supply of fake tan.

TV Man: Fucking sold, where do I sign?

Now this very real conversation happened not so long ago, and you can catch The Only Way is Purging The Thickos on BBC 4 at 1:30am, I think I’ve been buggered by the listing times, but hopefully it does well, I’m getting paid in ice cream and Um Bongo.

An Hour With: Mirrors Edge

I quite recently purchased this game and planned to play it over the weekend. I played Wolfenstein: The Old Blood over the weekend instead. No matter, I’ll play it now and be back in an hour.

Right, well then. That was something else. You can take that as good or bad, if you want to find out what my opinion is (which you probably don’t) then click the “Read More” thing, if I remember to put the bloody thing in.

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2K Games – The Most Dominant Games Developer

You’ve almost definitely played a game developed, made or released by 2K Games. Civilization V, XCOM: Enemy Unknown, WWE 2K14 and onwards, NBA, Borderlands, Bioshock Infinite, you name it, 2K Games somehow got their hands on it.

It seems they’ve got pretty much every gaming genre locked down, strategy, sport, shooter, dating simulator, literally any genre, they’ve probably done it. So they’re pretty much the biggest game developer, aren’t they? Well, sort of, yeah.

If you look at the most popular game series’ today, you’ll come across at least a good four or five game series that had 2K games involved in some way. Bioshock, Borderlands, Mafia II. The list goes on for a very long time. When we think about all the games they’ve been involved in, how did they do that? I mean, they’ve only been round just over 10 Years now, so how did they come to being a mega power in the gaming industry?

Well it’s quite simple actually. They make good games. You thought I was going to go into length about the ethics of video games and publishing rights and all that juicy stuff didn’t you? No, not today, that’s for a different post. They’ve got a franchise in mostly every platform. For every Elder Scrolls there’s a Borderlands, for every Age of Empires there’s a Civilization V, for every suspenseful, underwater utopia horror shooter, there’s Bioshock, for every pile of shit, there’s Evolve.

And to be quite honest, Evolve was the only blunder they’ve made. As long as we don’t count the Ghost Rider game for PS2. Every game company has its ups and downs though, but what they did with Evolve is disgraceful (all that damn DLC) and definitely a mark on an otherwise perfect record. Like I said, every gaming company has its ups and downs and 2K games has mainly been up, rather than down.

I honestly don’t think any other games company has come close to doing what 2K games has done. And what they’ve done is made a hell of a good company in such a short time with some amazing games. But what about companies like Bethesda and Activision? Some could argue that these are the true behemoths of the market, with Bethesda running two of the most critically acclaimed RPG’s in gaming history, and Activision releasing the same old shit year after year with no end in sight.

But what makes 2K so successful? I think for me, it’s probably because of the very pristine image that 2K have gotten over the years. It’s very difficult to trust game developers nowadays so the fact that we can trust 2K to deliver a functioning and good game surpasses all expectations. The fact that when they show off a game, we can put our worries to rest at the fact that we know 2K Games is going to bring us some top quality gameplay.

Now I must say, the only 2K game I’m really a huge fan of is Civilization V, I was never too keen on Borderlands, I’ve never played Bioshock and I have a copy of Mafia II that I still haven’t played yet. 2K games own about as many different franchises as EA, but are able to deliver new, fresh content every release they make. I think this has got to be something to do with how much they care about us.

I don’t mean individually, they couldn’t give a shit about our lives, but they give a shit about if we like the content they’re creating. A bit like me, I give a shit so I can find out if you like my content, but more or less, I don’t give a shit who reads it. I’m not saying I don’t like you, I’ve just never spoken to you so. Anyway, I’m getting off topic.

I’ve basically said all I can on the subject of why we like 2K Games. It’s because they give us quality games for quality prices and give a damn about whether or not we’re enjoying our time with the game. Unlike EA, they’re horrible.

Gamepad: My Favorite Mobile Games

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Yay, another post about mobile games. But hear me out (or see, or whatever): mobile games are feckin fun!! Just try to remember the last time you had to think about something while on the toilet, or stare at nothing in class, or try to avoid contact with strangers in public transport? No, really think about it. We take our phones for granted, So I decided to make a list of my favorite mobile games ever.

10. Beast Quest 

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Even though not all of us are Nintendo fans, I think we can all agree that the Legend of Zelda is a pretty sweet game series. Beast Quest is the closest thing to that, and it’s on mobile! How cool is that?!? It offers a pretty unique approach to fighting monsters and has some cool RPG mechanics built in.

Download here (Android) (iOS)

9. Fallout Shelter

Fallout Shelter is what you get when Bethesda puts their mind into something pretty abstract. It gives you control of your own vault, and you can even choose the number ( Vault 420 AYYYY). You’re tasked with taking care of your subjects and building additional rooms. There was a big content update about two weeks ago, so it’s worth giving a shot, even if you’re not playing it anymore.

Download here (Android) (iOS)

8. Clash of Clans

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, there’s a pretty good chance you already know about Clash of Clans, the online strategy mobile game, that’s all about upgrading stuff and conquering people, by destroying their stuff. Many people really can’t understand just how addictive Clash of Clans can get, and there’s a good reason for that.

Download here (Android) (iOS)

7. Major Mayhem

Major Mayhem is a cool shoot-em-up game from Adult Swim, the network that gave us gems like Cartoon Network itself, The Eric Andre show, Black Jesus and many more weird shows. So it’s no surprise that a mobile game made by them is a lighthearted comedy mess, poking fun at classic action movies.

Download here (Android) (iOS)

 

6. N.O.V.A. 3

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Smartphones and tablets were clearly not designed with FPS games in mind, and most of the time said games run terribly on pocket devices, however N.O.V.A. 3 is an exception to that rule. The aim assist in this game is incredibly polished, and for once it actually feels fun to play an FPS on mobile. The story is nothing special but is on the level of a AAA title in my book.

Download here (Android) (iOS)

5. Crossy Road

Crossy Road pretty much defined 11th grade for me. It’s also one of the reasons I’m bad at Spanish (that and my general lack of care for that subject). The game is so simple – it’s ridiculous, all you have to do is tap so you can cross the roads and not die from getting hit by cars or drowning. You also collect characters which is a pretty addictive feature as well.

Download here (Android) (iOS)

4. Star Wars Galaxy of Heroes

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Star Wars Galaxy of heroes is a turn based strategy RPG that’s all about collecting characters and upgrading them. Now, if I was to remove the Star Wars part from the whole thing, the game becomes pretty dull, but that’s fine because all we need is more Star Wars games in our lives. It also has the best daily login reward system I’ve ever seen and I did an article on the game a few weeks ago, that you should definetely read!

Download here (Android) (iOS)

3. Injustice Gods Among UsInjustice-Gods-Among-Us.png

Like the videogame and comic book series of the same name, Injustice is a fighting game… brought to mobile. Don’t expect anything great, mechanic wise it’s all about swiping and blocking with two fingers, but the card collection is where this game shines very bright. It also has a pretty competitive Multiplayer mode and there’s new challenges every month. About a week ago, it got a new content update, so I advise you to try it out.

Download here (Android) (iOS)

2. Sword of Xolan

8 bit is best bit, and Sword of Xolan shows just how beautiful a pixelated game can be. It’s also the ultimate pocket-friend: a 2D, 8 bit, side-scroller game that requires no internet connection to run. It’s pretty damn fun as well.

Download here (Android) (iOS)

1. Plants vs. Zombies

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The number one game on this list is technically not a mobile game (shocking I know). The original Plants vs. Zombies remains one of the most immaculately designed games I’ve ever played, and the interface of the game is just soo mobile friendly, it’s uncanny. Unlike its half-decent, half pay-to-win sequel, the original PvZ is a game you can enjoy without spending a dime.

Download here (Android) (iOS)

Virtual Reality, The Oculus Rift and How We’re Going to Kill People With Glasses (A Satirical Article that also pushes the boundaries of article titles, moreso than the previous one)

Just a quick heads up, this article isn’t a review. It’s satire. It’s comedic (I hope) and you probably wont care for it, if you do, be ready, be warned, continue on.

So, after helping out Mr. Miyamoto I thought I’d give my expert advice and opinion on what we’re going to do about all this Virtual Reality nonsense. Because if I’m quite honest, it’s not really in the best shape right now and I can definitely help out. Especially for people with glasses. Damned privilege they have with their funky fucking eye telescopes. Bastards, the lot of them.

Anyway, we’ll touch on the four eyed monsters later, let’s talk about Virtual Reality and the VR Headsets. To be honest, I’m not looking forward to wearing the VR Headest, I’m claustrophobic and it’ll probably bring back flashbacks of ‘nam 1971 and send me round the twist into thinking I’m Forrest god damn Gump. The Sony helmet looks like something straight out of the NASA headquarters, so I’m hoping that means we’re in safe hands, unless there’s another Challenger incident with every VR headset purchased and Sony refuse to recall the faulty products because they’re eager to bring out the cup holder expansion, which at the same time defuses the bomb implanted inside of the headset, thus making Sony a billion dollars richer.

My boss and dear leader Will Watlington and Kommandant Rado were all having a brief discussion about this a while back. Well, I say brief, I called VR a load of bollocks and went on playing High School Musical 3, but none the less, my point still stands. Especially if you have glasses.

But what’s with all the hate towards people with glasses? You sound worse than Donald J. Hitler when you say people with glasses are awful, they can’t help the burdens they have to live with! I have many friends with glasses, in the words of Ronald McDonald Trump Sr. “Some, I presume, are nice people.” Very true, I’m sure that some people with glasses are charming people. I have yet to meet a charming person that wears glasses, the commie scum.

Donald Trump has the right idea, kick every law-abiding American citizen that follows the laws of the country out if they don’t yell the national anthem every morning after they’ve woken up in their red, white and blue pyjamas with a Statue of Liberty alarm clock draped in a Confederate flag, a dartboard pinned to the wall with a photo of Obama so they can throw their empty beer bottles at his photo because their massive racists, that includes those pesky glasses wearing people. It’s like Hot Fuzz, they kill anyone with glasses and I think that’s what we should do. Sure, we’d lose Ade Edmondson, but to be fair, he’s done his bit for society and can look forward to a peaceful time in a concentration camp on the south of the Isle of Man, working his debt to society away. Bottom and The Young Ones wasn’t enough, you need to do more. Like work in the Sony factories and produce the very machines that have destroyed you.

I just hope Virtual Reality doesn’t work if they’ve got their contact lenses in. Jammy sods.

Updownright first impressions: Concealed Intent

Concealed Intent is a Space, Turn-Based Combat game that’s in early access on Steam. It’s already getting bonus points for not being another damned zombie game that’s in early access so bravo for thinking of something original their guys.

I love turn based combat games, there’s something about the charm of them that’s just remarkable. Concealed Intent definitely manages to capture the charm I dearly love and incorporate it well, making it a strong turn based combat game. There’s a few gamemodes to choose from, there’s the actual campaign, skirmish and multiplayer, we’ll go into these in more detail later, but let’s start with the campaign, because that’s what you should have to do by law.

There’s gonna be one or two minor spoilers, as in, the first mission, I’m going to completely spoil for you and that’ll be it. The story for the game is original, I don’t think I’ve ever played a game where I’ve had to shoot my uncle’s ashes into a planet that looks scarily like Mustafar from Star Wars. I thought it was a bit odd that the game starts with you doing this, but I suppose it sets the game in motion for what you need to do. You basically run a sort of trading company that your dear old, probably melted, uncle left you in his will and that’s what the campaign revolves around.

Graphically wise, the game is impressive. I mean, for an early access game and a small company at that it’s pretty impressive that one or two people can actually make something that looks like this. Obviously graphics don’t matter on a game like this, so as long as it’s playable then who cares? I do, I have to, that’s my job, and if I’m not doing my job then the men will come for me now wont they.

I’m not a fan of the skirmish mode in this game unfortunately. It seems like it’s just a survival mode in which I didn’t do much surviving as there seems to be an almost infinite amount of enemies in the skirmish. I suppose if it was named survival mode I wouldn’t have too much of a problem with it but a skirmish match is usually two or more teams of enemies going to battle with one another, this just seems to be you in a small square, battling ships and satellites.

It’s also a shame that I didn’t get a chance to play the multiplayer seeing as though the game is in early access and not many people were actually purchasing/playing the game while I was playing. I’m guessing the multiplayer is either a co-op sort of skirmish mode (which actually sounds pretty fun) or just a 1v1 battle, which could also be fun.

Overall I’m pretty impressed. The fact that this game is in early access and is obviously making improvements is sublime. It’s also not a zombie game, has steam trading cards and I think I crafted the badge so that’s a bonus as well. It’s in a stable enough position to be played now, but it’s pretty obvious more stuff will be added, so until then.

Concealed Intent gets a 7/10