Ewan attempts to write a reality TV Show

So recently I saw my mam and dad watching Geordie Shore, a show about bumbling thick tosspots from Newcastle going out and getting shit faced to fuck anything that’s three tones of orange away from “Citrus Orange” and then they say “Whey aye man” as all people from Newcastle do. And I thought, if this money-making machine can leach onto any twat with an IQ lower than 45 then I want in on the shit show. I want my piece of the pie and a bit of money on the side. So I went to my local TV broadcasting station, and the conversation went a little bit like this…

Ewan: Hello, I’m Ewan, I called earlier about a new TV Show?

TV Man: Ah yes I remember, the nervous wreck who kept stumbling over his words, yeah, yeah, take a seat. So, what’s the idea for the new show?

Ewan: Well, actually I’ve had a couple of ideas about a number of different things.

TV Man: Excellent, as long as we can slap some gormless bastards into it then we can make enough money to build a rocket made out of cheese on a one way course to Mars.

Ewan: Actually I was thinking it could be a bit more sophisticated than that.

TV Man: Not a chance. That wouldn’t work in a popular environment.

Ewan: But it’s based on the extremely popular game series Fallout and I’ve already planned out the first episode and who would be cast and why, along with creating a rich story that links in with the games.

TV Man: Nah, it’s shite, anything else?

Ewan: Well, I did have this idea to do with sketch shows…

TV Man: I’m listening

Ewan: Well, take the very best sketch shows, so for example Monty Python and Mitchell and Webb, then take the very best sketches from these shows and re-perform them with the same actors and in HD cameras and so on.

TV Man: So it’d basically be a way of revitalising and commemorating the best of British humour?

Ewan: Precisely.

TV Man: Nah, it’s bollocks, I’m running out patience here you stupid cunt, so you better come up with something good.

Ewan: How about a reality TV Show?

TV Man: There’s plenty of those, Big Brother, Geordie Shore, Made in Chelsea, The Only Way is Essex, Blackadder, what makes yours so special?

Ewan: Well a number of things actually.

TV Man: Would you care to name a few of them?

Ewan: For a start, it would be an elimination system similar to that of Big Brother, but instead of being evicted they all have explosive collars on and when evicted they go all Battle Royale and their collars explode, splashing orange everywhere.

TV Man: Christ Ewan, that’s a bit barbaric isn’t it?

Ewan: Nah, they’re all thickos that we can pick up off of any street in Clapham.

TV Man: Alright, fair enough, it’s a good start, but what else have you got?

Ewan: Well, the winner will receive a lifetime supply of fake tan.

TV Man: Fucking sold, where do I sign?

Now this very real conversation happened not so long ago, and you can catch The Only Way is Purging The Thickos on BBC 4 at 1:30am, I think I’ve been buggered by the listing times, but hopefully it does well, I’m getting paid in ice cream and Um Bongo.

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2K Games – The Most Dominant Games Developer

You’ve almost definitely played a game developed, made or released by 2K Games. Civilization V, XCOM: Enemy Unknown, WWE 2K14 and onwards, NBA, Borderlands, Bioshock Infinite, you name it, 2K Games somehow got their hands on it.

It seems they’ve got pretty much every gaming genre locked down, strategy, sport, shooter, dating simulator, literally any genre, they’ve probably done it. So they’re pretty much the biggest game developer, aren’t they? Well, sort of, yeah.

If you look at the most popular game series’ today, you’ll come across at least a good four or five game series that had 2K games involved in some way. Bioshock, Borderlands, Mafia II. The list goes on for a very long time. When we think about all the games they’ve been involved in, how did they do that? I mean, they’ve only been round just over 10 Years now, so how did they come to being a mega power in the gaming industry?

Well it’s quite simple actually. They make good games. You thought I was going to go into length about the ethics of video games and publishing rights and all that juicy stuff didn’t you? No, not today, that’s for a different post. They’ve got a franchise in mostly every platform. For every Elder Scrolls there’s a Borderlands, for every Age of Empires there’s a Civilization V, for every suspenseful, underwater utopia horror shooter, there’s Bioshock, for every pile of shit, there’s Evolve.

And to be quite honest, Evolve was the only blunder they’ve made. As long as we don’t count the Ghost Rider game for PS2. Every game company has its ups and downs though, but what they did with Evolve is disgraceful (all that damn DLC) and definitely a mark on an otherwise perfect record. Like I said, every gaming company has its ups and downs and 2K games has mainly been up, rather than down.

I honestly don’t think any other games company has come close to doing what 2K games has done. And what they’ve done is made a hell of a good company in such a short time with some amazing games. But what about companies like Bethesda and Activision? Some could argue that these are the true behemoths of the market, with Bethesda running two of the most critically acclaimed RPG’s in gaming history, and Activision releasing the same old shit year after year with no end in sight.

But what makes 2K so successful? I think for me, it’s probably because of the very pristine image that 2K have gotten over the years. It’s very difficult to trust game developers nowadays so the fact that we can trust 2K to deliver a functioning and good game surpasses all expectations. The fact that when they show off a game, we can put our worries to rest at the fact that we know 2K Games is going to bring us some top quality gameplay.

Now I must say, the only 2K game I’m really a huge fan of is Civilization V, I was never too keen on Borderlands, I’ve never played Bioshock and I have a copy of Mafia II that I still haven’t played yet. 2K games own about as many different franchises as EA, but are able to deliver new, fresh content every release they make. I think this has got to be something to do with how much they care about us.

I don’t mean individually, they couldn’t give a shit about our lives, but they give a shit about if we like the content they’re creating. A bit like me, I give a shit so I can find out if you like my content, but more or less, I don’t give a shit who reads it. I’m not saying I don’t like you, I’ve just never spoken to you so. Anyway, I’m getting off topic.

I’ve basically said all I can on the subject of why we like 2K Games. It’s because they give us quality games for quality prices and give a damn about whether or not we’re enjoying our time with the game. Unlike EA, they’re horrible.

Virtual Reality, The Oculus Rift and How We’re Going to Kill People With Glasses (A Satirical Article that also pushes the boundaries of article titles, moreso than the previous one)

Just a quick heads up, this article isn’t a review. It’s satire. It’s comedic (I hope) and you probably wont care for it, if you do, be ready, be warned, continue on.

So, after helping out Mr. Miyamoto I thought I’d give my expert advice and opinion on what we’re going to do about all this Virtual Reality nonsense. Because if I’m quite honest, it’s not really in the best shape right now and I can definitely help out. Especially for people with glasses. Damned privilege they have with their funky fucking eye telescopes. Bastards, the lot of them.

Anyway, we’ll touch on the four eyed monsters later, let’s talk about Virtual Reality and the VR Headsets. To be honest, I’m not looking forward to wearing the VR Headest, I’m claustrophobic and it’ll probably bring back flashbacks of ‘nam 1971 and send me round the twist into thinking I’m Forrest god damn Gump. The Sony helmet looks like something straight out of the NASA headquarters, so I’m hoping that means we’re in safe hands, unless there’s another Challenger incident with every VR headset purchased and Sony refuse to recall the faulty products because they’re eager to bring out the cup holder expansion, which at the same time defuses the bomb implanted inside of the headset, thus making Sony a billion dollars richer.

My boss and dear leader Will Watlington and Kommandant Rado were all having a brief discussion about this a while back. Well, I say brief, I called VR a load of bollocks and went on playing High School Musical 3, but none the less, my point still stands. Especially if you have glasses.

But what’s with all the hate towards people with glasses? You sound worse than Donald J. Hitler when you say people with glasses are awful, they can’t help the burdens they have to live with! I have many friends with glasses, in the words of Ronald McDonald Trump Sr. “Some, I presume, are nice people.” Very true, I’m sure that some people with glasses are charming people. I have yet to meet a charming person that wears glasses, the commie scum.

Donald Trump has the right idea, kick every law-abiding American citizen that follows the laws of the country out if they don’t yell the national anthem every morning after they’ve woken up in their red, white and blue pyjamas with a Statue of Liberty alarm clock draped in a Confederate flag, a dartboard pinned to the wall with a photo of Obama so they can throw their empty beer bottles at his photo because their massive racists, that includes those pesky glasses wearing people. It’s like Hot Fuzz, they kill anyone with glasses and I think that’s what we should do. Sure, we’d lose Ade Edmondson, but to be fair, he’s done his bit for society and can look forward to a peaceful time in a concentration camp on the south of the Isle of Man, working his debt to society away. Bottom and The Young Ones wasn’t enough, you need to do more. Like work in the Sony factories and produce the very machines that have destroyed you.

I just hope Virtual Reality doesn’t work if they’ve got their contact lenses in. Jammy sods.

The most important skill that every indie developer needs

This post is about marketing, so I should probably post some kind of graph so people take me seriously. Yes, this one will do.

OK, so you’re ready to be a game developer. You’re not some “sellout” going to work on the next over-budget AAA military shooter, oh no. You’re going to make your own game, your way. In fact, not to brag, you see yourself as the next Notch. So, before you get to work, you go down your checklist entitled “Necessary things I should probably know about before trying to make a video game”. Alright, here it goes. Coding? Check. Animation? Check. Ability to make up story that gives you an excuse to fight dragons? Check. Ability to say you chose pixel art animation because it’s “retro” and that you could totally animate in 3d if you really wanted to? Double check. So, you’re good to go right? You start making your game and it’s absolutely incredible. Surely everyone will simply throw money at you as you walk down the street to help you fund it. Something’s not right though. Your Kickstarter has only been funded for $10 and you’re pretty sure that came from your Mom, and the only person to vote for your game on Greenlight is that guy who always followed you around and tried to join your clan-only Team Fortress 2 matches on Steam. What could have possibly have gone wrong? Oh no, you left something off of your checklist! But what could it have been. Then, suddenly, it comes to you in a vision. Marketing. Continue reading

With release of “9/11 simulator”, journalists once again criticize any game that wants to speak on a sensitive subject

As a project for video game development school in France, a group of developers created “8:46”, a virtual reality experience that recreates the fateful few minutes of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center on 9/11. This is not a commercial for sale, but rather a small project that was released to the public. In 8:46 the player plays as a person on the 101st floor on the first building hit with no escape. After trying to find a way out the player is eventually confronted with the decision to either stay and suffocate, or jump from the 101st floor, both with the same outcome. As you can imagine, the game and developers have received quite a bit of criticism for their project. This seems to have introduced a very important question to those who have never thought of it. Is it OK for developers to include real life tragedies as the focal point for their game? Continue reading

A Really Fast Rundown of the 104 Backwards Compatible Xbox 360 Games

Alright, really quickly, here’s a list of I think all 104 games that are now backwards compatible, with a brief description of if you should buy it, download it or completely ignore it, throw your Xbox One out of the window and eat a tub of mint flavoured ice cream. Here we go! Continue reading

How Shigeru Miyamoto can make Nintendo into a powerful company again (A satirical article about love, hate, gaming and pushing the boundaries of character limits in article titles)

A warning from Will Watlington: before reading this post I must warn you that the author, Ewan Gleadow must have been a bit, well, mental, while writing this. So please be sure to comment and give him a mental diagnosis. I’M NOT CRAZY, JUST A LITTLE OFF, LIKE MILK.

Anyone who steals this state of the art, not in any way satirical or comedic walkthrough of how Nintendo can rule the world will be shot. Survivors will be commended for their strength against bullets, then shot again.

Now, we all know Nintendo’s been a bit down on it’s luck recently, Xbox and Playstation have destroyed the market, the OUYA is apparently still a thing and to be quite honest it looks like the Wii U hasn’t done very well. So I’ve taken the liberty of helping out our dear friend Shigeru Miyamoto into making Nintendo a successful company once more! You’re welcome! I’ll take 10% of the Nintendo market share before we start, then a further 60% when I’m done.

The first thing you’re gonna want to do is get two eggs and about 200g of flour actually buy SEGA. Yep, your old rival, the one with that hedgehog that probably shit on you a few times and then Playstation hit it with it’s car sometime in the early 90s and now it’s never really been able to pick itself up from there. Buy all of their assets, even the broken Hedgehog. Now that you’ve acquired these gaming franchises, start making some new Sonic/Alex Kidd/Crazy Taxi games that are Wii U exclusive. None of that 3DS bullshit, give them Super Monkey Ball or some shit, we’re trying to convince people to buy Wii U’s here, it’s all fine and well to have handhelds but that’s not the focus here Miyamoto.

Now that you’ve hopefully amassed what I can only assume is about £13.68 with all those Sonic sales, you’re gonna want to revive THQ, the reason being is they’ll publish literally any old shit you throw at them, you’ll need them for later when Sonic Team starts work on Sonic Boom 2 and all that DLC. I’m pretty sure THQ own the rights to Wheel of Fortune, Destroy all Humans and Darksiders so get them to work on all of those. Actually, while you’re just buying companies on the good word of Ewan, go buy Pandemic, I know it closed it’s doors but go and grab them, they’re talented people.

You’re gonna be missing that big pile of cash you’re sat on, I’m hoping Pandemic/SEGA and THQ are doing good for yah, hopefully not as useless as we all know SEGA to be. This next step is a bit tricky seeing as though the rights to this game are lost in “the void”, but buy the rights to Crash Bandicoot. Yeah, you know the one, your son Mario and that thing had a fight at one point and Playstation came out of nowhere and started screaming “Naughty dog!” even though it was definitely a raccoon or some shit. Anyway, go get that furry thing and make him the most badass dating simulator platformer/action/adventure whatever you think is good, I trust yah with this Nintendo.

Hopefully if you don’t cock everything up, the original owners of this wombat will hurry up and come to collect him and you’ll expect the usual reward of £50 for finding someone’s pet. That isn’t the case here though, you’re actually gonna kidnap the CEO of Naughty Dog. Torture him until he merges Naughty Dog with Nintendo and makes Uncharted a Wii U exclusive, that’ll teach Playstation for knocking over your now beloved blue, crippled hedgehog that you can buy merchandise for, at the low price of £13.99 *wink*

Now that you’ve got the Uncharted series under your belt, a majority of Playstation users will probably think “Nolan North, no!” and hop over to Wii U, increasing it’s sales exponentially. Start allowing indie games onto the Wii U at around this time, because that’s one of the few things the PS4 will have that the Wii U doesn’t. Buy out some indie developers, the guy’s who made Braid, Limbo, Thomas Was Alone, all that good stuff. Also, buy Sarah Northaway’s company, I don’t think that’s her exact name but she’s the one that made the Rebuild series and that series is absolutely fantastic, just stick it on the Wii U store and slap a $9.99 price tag on it like you usually do. Hopefully that’ll grab some attention (and hopefully the mysterious disappearance of- Wait, ah christ, Naughty Dog have co-presidents. Alright, don’t panic, just brain one of them with the hammer in your desk and trap the other one in the “fun house”. Have you done that? Yeah? Good.

I hope I don’t have to remind you to make games too, because this next bit may cost a bit of money, you’re going to want to buy the following:

  • SNK Playmore so we can get some Metal Slug onto the Wii U
  • Harmonix so we can make Guitar Hero games a Wii U exclusive
  • Traveller’s Tales so we can make the LEGO games a Wii U exclusive
  • Telltale Games because why not and they can make Walking Dead S3 an exclusive
  • PopCap so we can make Plants Vs Zombie games against their will as a Wii U exclusive

Hopefully that doesn’t completely bankrupt you like the initial release of the Wii U did but lets keep powering through, there’s still a lot more to do. You’ll have so much power and money by now that every developer and gaming company either dissolves into a heap for you to collect their IP’s or they just join up with you. The only one that stands in your way…

Valve.

Easiest solution, buy out Valve, I’m not sure if they’re a public limited company but buy them anyway, even if you have to sell your arm Miyamoto, just do it. Along with Valve, they’ll bring Steam, with Steam we can probably get rid of that ventilation problem, is that where you’re keeping the bodies? The ghosts’ll be going crazy up there, especially since Iwata is up there with two American’s who founded a company called “Naughty Dog”, Hideo Kojima and the lost and found box which oddly enough has a copy of Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts, a half eaten hot dog and 27 Virtual Boys, guessing they weren’t lost accidentally though, ‘ey Miyamoto?

Now that you own Valve, you’re only one step away from completing total world domination. You’ve dominated the gaming industry, you cannot be beaten, you own console and PC gaming all over the world. Only one thing to do now. Buy your own space programme, fly into space with a team of armed bandits and rob the space station. Wait, this seems like Call of Duty Ghosts, doesn’t it?

MIYAMOTO, DISREGARD EVERYTHING I SAID, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN FOR THIS ONE.